Crappy, Crappy, Crappy

by kks3kids in Uncategorized

So most of you know I went back to school and just so you know I rocked my first Biochemistry test.  For someone who hasn’t had any form of Chemistry or significant math in 20 years, I was pretty darn proud of myself.  However, going back to school has created some issues around my house.  Today, I feel like shit.  My girls have been after me to finish costumes, carve pumpkins (is there anything more demonic, pun intended, than carving pumpkins…I hate it) and of course Tom has been a little demanding.  How much of me can I give away?  It seems that at this point all I am doing is disappointing those that I love.  This is not a post meant to be woe is me, but I have to say that I get tired or should I say it hurts my feelings not to have anyone thinking about me all the time.  I am not sure I’ve had that my whole life.  My parents were self absorbed, my children aren’t really supposed to be responsible for my well-being and Tom, well he was a bit selfish in the best of times and now that selfishness is magnified.  I now know what widows, those who have never married or are in bad marriages feel like.  I feel very alone, probably three days before my period for sure, but nonetheless alone.  It is hard to navigate this experience.  I love my girls, my friends and in a way my demented husband…although he is not who he used to be, and I have someone else that I adore, who I worry most about.  However, this disease is hard on all of us, hard on everyone it touches.  Sorry for such a depressing post, I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow. The reality is that I’ve had lots and lots of therapy, I really am okay with who I am.  I know that my intentions are never, ever meant to hurt those that I love.  My girls, my friends and even Tom, once he has forgotten, are able to forgive me for my failures.  However, it has been a long time since  I have been so wounded by someone’s response.  It hurts, it hurts a lot…especially when intention is everything I believe.  Thanks for reading the cryptic post and loving me anyways.

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8 comments

1 Chris { 10.29.09 at 8:41 pm }

LOVE YOU

2 Kim { 10.29.09 at 8:55 pm }

Thanks, you know I love you! You’re my bff, by the way I love saying that…it makes me feel young.

3 sizzle { 10.29.09 at 9:30 pm }

I just want to give you a big hug.

4 Headless Mom { 10.29.09 at 10:23 pm }

I know that we don’t know each other very well, but I get what you are saying. You have a lot on your shoulders, a lot of people that depend on you. It’s not being unreasonable that you would feel this way, even for one day a month! ;-) I don’t know what else to say except that I hear you! xoxo

5 patois { 10.31.09 at 7:39 am }

I’m totally fine with cryptic posts, as long as I can get to the crux: in this case, good vibes your way!

6 TUWABVB { 11.01.09 at 2:23 pm }

Sending lots of love your way – there are people out there that think about you as well. Trust me!

7 DenzelWm { 11.03.09 at 9:51 am }

Dear Friends, Happy late halowen(: !!

8 Wifey { 11.05.09 at 5:30 am }

Sending big hugs!

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

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